Well, actually not first ever.
I used to write a lot when I was younger. I used to have passion for written word and I would spend days and nights writing essays, diaries and even poetry. Then it stopped. I lost it. I would still have an ambition to write and to even publish a book… but I lost my inspiration. What was it though? What was that would drive me nuts if I didn’t scribble few words here and there? Was it something inside my belly that would spin and pinch if I didn’t write? Probably. But it was also a depression, sad romantic dreams, longing for anything I couldn’t really have. Or at least I was convincing myself that I couldn’t have them. Writing would help me spill it all out.
What has changed since then? My whole world have! I’ve started reading inspiring books on how to achieve your goals, on how to stay focused and positive. I went to the therapy sessions, then another one. I started to go deep, deep inside my brain and soul and ask questions on why I am like this? Why I chronically feel unhappy, lonely, abandoned, not understood, lost, unloved. These were my feelings, these were my thoughts. This wasn’t a reality.
My thoughts then shifted, my focus have changed and I have slowly started to believe in myself. I still hope that this passion for writing will come back to me and I still dream about becoming a published author. In the meantime, all I can do is act on it. Action is a choice. You can go through changes but not really take any advantage of them, you can fight them, slow them down, displace them. And that’s fine. We are free to make this choice, to not to try to understand who I am and what I am here for. The only risk is – you may go through this tough life lesson on and on to the end of your days.
Other thing you can do is to find this strength within, that will help you to go through your deepest fears, scarcest memories and stay brave while you are being punched in your stomach for days and months, while you feel sick and lose your mind in fever. Because on the other side, once you get through all this, is another world. There are thoughts you had never even wish to think, there are people more understanding and loving than ever, there are new options and opportunities that bring peace, happiness and fulfilment.
The choice is yours.
Every now and then my old friends – strangling thoughts come back. They knock on my home door, they squeeze in through slightly open windows. And they smash me in the face, and they kick my stomach again and they laugh… laugh very loud in their victorious dance.
The only thing that may help me then is a reminder that hey! I know who I am! I’ve been through this not once and not twice, and look how great I am doing now! You can’t show me anything more or scare me any further! I know who you are, where you are coming from and although we are probably inseparable for the rest of our lives and although you probably won’t give up – I choose to not let you win! Because, hey! The choice is my secret power now!
That’s the way you learn things. That’s how you become calmer and wiser, that’s when you start taking opportunities on every change and every negative thought you have. Because there is always work to do, and If you chose to do it, you will learn the new truth every day – the truth about yourself.
Therefore now, every time I can sense them coming I feel the excitement and urge to get them all analysed, understood and taken on board. I invite them in, look closely in their eyes and while they scream and laugh… and dance… and punch – I learn… and I grow.
You ask me why I do this? The answer is simple: Every change brings a lesson, every lesson brings growth, every growth brings new inspiring opportunities that are only waiting for you to take them. So anytime you want something badly and think you don’t deserve it or are too weak, anytime a sudden change and dark reality blinds you out – stop and look closely, search for tips, little hints, ask WHY and what’s the PURPOSE of it. Never stop asking! Let yourself grow.
So… Why am I posting this note? The first one since ages ago? Answers are at least two:
- I will never find out why I stopped writing and I will never start writing again if I allow procrastination to rule my world and keep pushing difficult questions away.
- I love to teach about change and share my experience and I would love to accompany you on you journey to take action and learn your truth.
